Getting lost and more lost.....

Hmm....dun really wanna make the house sink with sadness and depression but I can't accumulate these feelings inside my mind and my heart, and I think the only way to pour it is into this blog container. ARGGHHH!!! Yes, that made me a bit better...

I told you guys the last time that there's a way for everyone and that path is predestined....that made me think....is my fate to land a job that hard - ehm...HARD?!?!?!?!! I don't seem to recollect any good fortunes with job search ever since my youth. Working hard 30+ hours per week in my first year both as a janitor and cafeteria worker....never once I complained and I just kept on going and doing for the sake of making ends meet for the high expenses of US education....sigh....deprived of sleep, proper concentration in classes, and justified studying time, and even exhaustion at work.

That went on to the times in Iowa State...though I don't work as much there not just because of tight schedule, but also the lack of jobs....imagine a 40,000+ size university...how many on-campus jobs are there? Don't think they can provide up to that much workforce for school operation. I first got a job at one of the dorm's cafetaria....it's definitely hard work and it's draining my energies since I'm taking more classes than at the college. After that, I quit and worked in the library. However, the work was very manual labour intensive. So it also drained my energy.

One thing I really regret during my undergrad days was not getting an internship or the chance to pursue my career before going on to my post-graduate education. It somehow affected my position now. Plus the constant moving/nomadic lifestyle doesn't really suit well for my career start!

So, recently, I had my chance at an opportunity...Not too shabby...doing some HR work voluntarily (or you can say illegally!) and it doesn't seem too bad at first. But the more I think, the more my conscience and my mind start to take the better judgement of me. For those who knows me close, I might be too honest and too gullible sometimes. This can be my downfall, as my father said, but at the moment I discussed with my boss, it doesn't seem to be the wrong choice. In fact, I thought I should voice it out and see what my boss thinks? And guess what? I got the booting and a hard lesson at life, career, and people!!

Well, ever since, my mind has been manifested by random thoughts and superficial stuff. Ahhh....how I wish I could go back to the days when I was young....so innocent, so carefree, and you only need to think abt hunger, exams, and friends. When you get older, these increasingly become trivial and what comes into mind first is family, future, and finances. I blame this solely on Capitalism. It's changed human nature, and capitalist way revolves around one medium....MONEY!! Without money, one is deprived of basic needs; without money, one is deprived of sanity; without money, one is deprived of freedom, without money, one is deprived of humanity. Sad isn't it? Imagine those people in third world countries and starving, lacking in medical and nutrition needs....so why am I complaining? Because I am taught and raised in a capitalist-wary world.

What gives the right for me to worry when others have a more dire need of basic survival supplement? Nothing! and yet I can't keep these thought in my mind shut out. I think I need help, but where does it come from? Certainly my parents don't help much....I tried discussing with them earlier and though my mom is rather supportive, my father is the other way. He can't fathom my idealist thoughts, and insist his way is right. Which btw, I have followed, to very little success it so promised. So, I'm defying him and trying it out where it will land me. I hope this bet will make me richer....not in riches, but wealthy in experience, life-changing situation, and the return of my sanity.

Thanks God I have friends who are supportive, parents that are very loving and understanding, brothers that are very dependent on me, mentors that have guided me all up to this date, and associations that I have been involved in. The only thing I blame is myself because I have been indicisive, unambitious, unmotivated, and lastly being a pacifist! I thought I can make a difference but I fell quickly down to earth like Icarus (is that how you spell it?) when I am just but a small pawn in this vast earth. I need to change, but I don't know how to change, and I don't have the courage to change. I hope I get the faith and support from my friends and His Almighty in getting the real purpose and real direction in my life. I know I'm being selfish and I'm asking a lot from people, but in return I hope I can reciprocate their love with my new-found strength and courage.